Retirement Misadventures: Remembering Travis

It's been some time since my last writing. To say my heart hasn't been in it is an understatement. In early August my only son died in a tragic accident and life as I knew it will never be the same. After a few months I am finally finding some words again. Still there are moments every day when something reminds me of my loss and I break down once again.

While watching one of our favorite TV shows last night (NCIS) one of the characters was talking about the loss of a child. I can't recall the exact quote but he noted that there was a name for the survivor when a parent or spouse dies but there is no word for those who have lost a child. He said because it was too horrible. No truer words ever spoken.

Travis was barely 37 when he died. He was a loving, gentle, quiet man. Of all my children I think his personality was most like mine. He and I were always there for each other when needed and we both had been through a lot with each other over the years. When he was a child I was fiercely protective and as we both got older he became my protector. As he planned for the future he always included a place for me in those plans.

Our connection to each other required little maintenance. It was handy and always available. For years he worked as a millwright traveling all over the country, working long hours when away. I always hated to bother him while he was away on the job but there were enough late night phone calls and quick texts to assure me all was well with him. When home we would text or call more frequently and spend time together doing things we both enjoyed.

Three days before he died I had gone out to visit with him at his house and left that day with a hug and the words " I love you momma" in my ears. His last words spoken to me. What I wouldn't give to feel that hug and hear those words from him again.

Soon after he was laid to rest I left for Spain to walk a pilgrimage, the Camino de Santiago. I had already planned to go but a new purpose for my journey had developed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done both physically and emotionally but I think it helped me to get through those initial days and has helped me prepare for the burdens ahead.

Talking about Travis and now writing helps me in some ways but also makes me beyond sad. Many tears have been shed and many more will come. But I think that if I can share this tragedy in my life I may also find the strength to move forward. Life does go on even when sometimes we don't want it to and there are so many things I am thankful for and love about my life. I will forever feel the emptiness that his death has brought but I think it may be okay to find joy and feel gratitude in the days and years ahead. I think it's what Travis would want for me.